


Just As Thick As My Skin

by neveralarch



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse)
Genre: F/M, Healing Sex, Healing Threesomes, M/M, Threesome - F/M/M, sooort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 21:37:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14881667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neveralarch/pseuds/neveralarch
Summary: Threesomes solve everything.(Threesomes do not solve everything. But sometimes they're fun.)





	Just As Thick As My Skin

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains explicit sex, swearing, disturbing imagery, discussions of suicide and grief, and bad (but well-intentioned) consent practices. It's very silly. It's a Deadpool fic.

This part is just to recap. I know it's redundant. I saw the movie, you saw the movie, this is exactly what happened at the end of the movie, no surprises at all. You just have to start somewhere, right? You could probably skip this and go right to the sex scenes, if you wanted. Because this is definitely absolutely what happened at the end of the movie.

"I was pretty sure I was going to end up in hell." Wade mumbled the words into Vanessa's lips, unwilling to pull away even an inch. "I'm not sure anyone could be good enough to end up in heaven with you."

"Mmm." Vanessa grinned, and her thighs squeezed Wade's hips. "Maybe I was the good one, and I got you as my reward."

"That's a dirty lie," said Wade. "I've seen your browser history. But if someone made a mistake, might as well take advantage of it..."

Suddenly Vanessa was being tugged away from him, up into a blinding edge of white light.

"No!" shouted Wade. "No, not the sun again! Leave us alone, day star!"

"Wade!" called Vanessa. "Wade! Wade!"

Someone slapped Wade, hard enough to rattle his teeth. Everything ached, in that burny itchy way that meant his body was trying to put itself back together. And his neck felt oddly light...

"No!" Wade kept his eyes firmly closed, refusing to give in. "Put the collar back on! I'm going to die, or die trying."

"Seriously, wake up." Teenage Ninja Turtle Mutant slapped Wade again. God, who knew Millennials had such killer arm strength? Must be all the avocado toast. "Come on, Deadhead. You want to see this."

"Wade," said Vanessa.

"I know, honey!" called Wade, trying to murder himself through sheer willpower. "I'm coming! We'll make that baby right in front of God!"

"Eugh," said Negasonic Warhead.

"Cute!" said Yukio.

"Wade," said Vanessa. "You don't have to. I'm okay. I'm right here."

Wade opened his eyes, and there she was. No bullet wound. No blood. Wild-eyed and breathing hard and perfect. And Cable standing behind her, one hand just barely touching the stuffed bear on his hip.

\---

The end. Not of the whole story, just the end of the cool superheroing part. The rest of this story is just the mundane shit that happens in between the big-budget movies. Maybe in a little YouTube short, you know, or one of those cartoons they play before a Disney movie. One of the sexy, R-rated Disney movies, like Zootopia.

"We need to talk about Cable," said Vanessa.

"Do you really want to waste date night on Cable?" asked Wade. "Or do you want to see how much of this chili cheese dog I can fit in one bite?"

"How long is he going to keep sleeping on our couch?" Vanessa persisted.

"Gormph," said Wade, because that's about all a person could say once they'd shoved an entire foot-long chili cheese dog in their mouth.

"I just want a time frame," said Vanessa. "A week? A month? What are we looking at?"

"Mahbah ah ahtair lies!" said Wade, and then choked.

After twenty minutes of coughing, amateur tracheotomy, and chasing away the paramedics, Wade was kind of hoping Vanessa would drop the subject. But they probably wouldn't even be together if Vanessa was good at letting things go.

"I don't see what the problem is." Wade kicked his heels on the washer in the basement of their building. You had to clean blood stains quickly, or they set, and he'd been wearing his favorite bowling shirt. And once you started washing one horribly blood-stained shirt, you might as well do the rest of this week's biohazard laundry all at once.

"You don't see a problem with Cable sleeping on our couch for the rest of our lives," said Vanessa.

"We only have lives because he saved them, Ness!" Wade bit his lip, then realized his mistake and reeled Vanessa in so he could bite her lip instead. "That's gotta be worth something."

"Worth a lumpy couch?" murmured Vanessa, between kisses. "I'm pretty sure we can do better."

"He's a cyborg, he doesn't get back problems."

Vanessa still didn't look happy. "We live in a studio, honey. Studios aren't good places for houseguests."

"I thought that's why I put up the curtain," said Wade.

"The curtain doesn't work," said Vanessa.

" _I_ certainly can't see through it," said Wade. "Ooh, are your mutant powers finally coming in? Can you see through walls? Can you see my sweet lace undies?"

"I saw your sweet lace undies when you put them on this morning." Vanessa slipped her fingers past the waistband of Wade's jeans to tease at the edge of Wade's panties. "No, I just mean— We're trying to make a baby, Wade, and you're kind of loud."

"We're kind of loud," corrected Wade.

"I'm loud," conceded Vanessa. "You're deafening."

"Usually described as _piercing_ , but I guess I can be both."

"And then when I get up to pee after I have to walk past Cable scowling at the wall with a pillow wrapped around his ears. It really kills the afterglow."

"Oh." The washer beeped the end of the cycle, but Wade didn't move. "We're being bad hosts, aren't we?"

"I can tell you from long experience," said Vanessa. "If you're going to have sex in a studio, everyone living there needs to be enthusiastic participants."

"He doesn't have anywhere to go," said Wade. "He used up all his time juice saving you. And I think we're friends. Could be friends. Maybe."

"I'm not saying we throw him out on the street," said Vanessa. "We just need a better long-term solution than the couch."

Wade sighed and shoved himself off the washer and onto his feet. "I'll talk to him."

Vanessa kissed the back of Wade's head as he shoveled his clothes into the dryer. "Thank you."

"Want to fuck on the dryer?" Wade hopped on top of it and spread his legs invitingly. "I know we're trying to be good hosts but that has nothing to do with being good laundry room users, and also the rumbling feels good on my—"

Vanessa grinned at him, turned the dryer on, and climbed on board.

"Got it," gasped Wade. "I'll stop talking."

"Oh no, keep talking," said Vanessa. "I want to hear what you sound like when this thing really gets going."

Vanessa wasn't even _wearing_ panties. It was fate.

\---

Long, dark stakeouts were the perfect time for sensitive conversations. The lighting from the neon signs on the rooftop was just icing on the cake. Pink light flared over Cable's face, glistening on his sharp cheekbones and the bridge of his broad nose. It was so noir. Noir like a black cat wearing a tiny adorable trench coat and smoking a tiny adorable cigar. The noirest.

"Stop looking at me like that," said Cable.

"I'm wearing a mask, you can't tell how I'm looking," said Wade. "I'm not even looking at you. I'm looking at the target. I'm taking this stakeout seriously. Maybe _you_ should stop looking at _me_." 

"The target's over there." Cable pointed over Wade's shoulder. "So stop looking at me."

Wade swiveled to stare at the big bay windows of the penthouse across the street. Yep, there was the target. Still fucking that weird inflatable sphere. Why? It looked like an exercise ball, but there was definitely penis involved. Was it just a rich person 'I'm too jaded for hookers' thing? Did it actually feel good? Maybe Wade should get a weird inflatable sphere and— 

"Actually, don't look at the target," said Cable.

"Why not?"

Cable glanced pointedly at Wade's crotch. Oh, hello friend erection! Guess weird inflatable spheres are hotter than anticipated! Wade put a hand over his crotch to shield Cable's virgin eyes and also put some welcome pressure on the swelling.

"I need to talk to you about something," said Wade.

Cable's eyes darted between Wade's chaste and definitely not stroking hand, and the frantically thrusting target who was beginning to roll out of sight. He grunted.

"First, can I play with your gun?" Wade considered that statement in light of Cable's silence. "Not a sex thing. Your gun is really hot. I do not want to fuck it."

"No," said Cable.

"No to the fucking, or—"

"Don't touch my gun," said Cable.

"Okay, second, do you want to have a threesome with Vanessa?"

Again, silence. "This one is a sex thing," clarified Wade. "And the third person would be me. Not you, Vanessa, and some rando. Although if you have a rando in mind we could maybe expand our—"

Cable looked pained, like maybe he needed to pass some gas but didn't want to be rude. "What are you talking about?"

"You," Wade pointed at Cable, "Vanessa," he pointed in a direction Vanessa _might_ be in, "Little Wade," he nodded down at his persistently hopeful erection. "You in?"

Cable had followed Wade's nod down to the bulge in his pants. Was he blushing? Was it just the pink light? Oh fuck, oh Jesus, he was blushing. Wasn't that just the cutest damn thing? Wade wanted to pinch Cable's cheeks and come all over his face.

"Why?" asked Cable.

"Vanessa thinks we're getting on your nerves with all the sex," explained Wade. "But we're not going to stop because we're trying to get some sperm up in that tummy, if you know what I mean, and I promised you our couch for all of eternity so I figured if you just got in on the sex maybe you would—"

Wade trailed off as Cable's expression hardened. "I'll get a hotel," said Cable.

"You don't have any money," said Wade. "Future money doesn't count, nobody recognizes those presidents."

"We don't have presidents in the future," said Cable.

"Exactly," said Wade. "So you have to stay."

"You don't have to fuck me just because you like having me around," said Cable.

Okay, put like that Wade sounded really needy, and kind of like he didn't know how to have an adult relationship without sex. And maybe one of those things was true, but he'd only had sex with Weasel six or seven times so Wade knew he could totally do platonic. Totally. Also: "Can I want to fuck you in _addition_ to liking you?"

Cable didn't say anything for a long time. He just stared at the target, who had lost balance and fallen under the inflatable sphere. Might be suffocating. Which would make their job a lot easier, but they might not get paid? Wade decided to worry about it after Cable agreed to the amazing problem-solving threesome.

"My body's kind of fucked up," Cable said at last. "All the metal."

"Perfect! At Casa Deadpool we specialize in fucked up bodies!"

"I don't know if my head's in the right place," said Cable.

"My head's definitely not in the right place," said Wade. "I think it healed crooked the last time I snapped my neck."

"You with Vanessa make me think about me with my wife," said Cable.

Ooh. Ouch. Okay. "That's... rough," said Wade. "How does Vanessa remind you of your wife? Like her hair, or her eyes, or her weird obsession with aardvarks?"

Cable went all stoic and silent again. At first Wade had thought that was just his way of saying 'what a dumbass' without actually saying anything, but now Wade was starting to suspect that it was also what Cable did when he needed a few seconds to come up with a bullshit answer.

"My wife is also... soft. Kind. Feminine."

"Wow, that was not even worth waiting for," said Wade. "It took you two entire minutes to come up with that crap?"

"That wasn't two minutes," muttered Cable.

"You won't join a couple featured six times in the centerfold of _Hot Chicks and Mutilated Hitmen_ because my girlfriend is a _woman_." Wade was trying to keep his voice low, because they were on a job, but it kept trying to climb to a shriek. "Which reminds you of your _wife_?"

"It's not just—"

"This is the most sexist, heteronormative—"

"Stop accusing me of isms," snapped Cable. "I wasn't born in the bigoted past, I'm just living in it. I'm never going to see my wife or my daughter again. I'm allowed to feel how I feel."

"Okay, first of all, I'm accusing you of ists and ives." Wade ticked it off on his fingers. "Second, I'm so sorry, it's really awful, I truly feel for you. Third, it's still bullshit and you can suck my dick, I'll call you sexist as long as you keep talking like a sexist. Fourth, I can't believe you called Vanessa _soft_ and _kind_ , I know you've spoken to her at least three times and you've seen the way she leaves the bathroom. Fifth, I am completely serious about the dick sucking, if you're up for it. My dick is as hard as the Washington Monument and look, I don't want to make assumptions, but it probably won't remind you of your wife at all."

Cable glared, which was totally undermined by the fact that he was glaring at Wade's crotch and flushing from his throat up to his ears.

There was a pop that echoed between the buildings and which Wade was fully prepared to believe was his balls finally bursting from overexcitement. But then Cable started sniggering and Wade looked over his shoulder. The target had actually managed to puncture his sex sphere, and was struggling to get out from underneath it.

"Fine," said Cable. "You're probably right. And it looks like our friend isn't going anywhere soon."

"What?" asked Wade. "Hey, I don't think I've actually heard you laugh before. Are you okay?"

"Not really." Cable slid to his knees, smoothly and with completely unexpected grace. "Just tell me how this jumpsuit opens."

\---

The dubstep at Vanessa's club was faint and tinny over the phone. Cable still grunted in annoyance, which led to some really embarrassing noises from Wade.

"Baby," said Vanessa, "you know normally I'd love to listen to you moan at me, but I have to dance in a minute."

"Hi, Sweetbunny," gasped Wade. "I promise this will only take a second. You know how you wanted me to let you know if I did sex things with anyone with anyone even though I'm definitely probably immune to herpes now?"

Cable swallowed, and Wade had to white-knuckle his phone for a second to keep from moaning again.

"Just a second," Vanessa told someone. "It's my boyfriend. Wade, just see if they've been tested recently. Otherwise we have to get _you_ tested, and the people at Planned Parenthood don't like it when you show up in the mask— "

"Thing is," said Wade, trying for normal and coming out squeaky, "I don't know if they still do blood tests in the future?"

"They do." Cable pulled off, which would have been really disappointing except then he started jacking Wade with his sick metal hand. "I'm clean. My wife and I are—we were fluid-bonded. Is this sensitive?"

"What, the foreskin? Don't they have foreskins in the future?" Wade took a deep shuddering breath as Cable rubbed his thumb over the crown of Wade's dick. "Oh, do that again. Do that with your tongue."

"I meant the scarring," said Cable, and then _did_ do it with his tongue, traced the ridges and whorls of Wade's horrible skin condition with the same concentrated determination he brought to murdering bad guys. The only reason Wade didn't come was because he was holding out for dear life, trying to keep this going for at least two or three more minutes.

"This isn't what I expected when you said you'd talk to him," said Vanessa. "I was thinking maybe you could work out a schedule, or make a sign that said _we're having sex right now, go away_ , or—"

"I'm trying to sell him on a threesome." Wade tried desperately not to pull on Cable's hair as Cable swallowed him down again. "That was one of the solutions, right? Enthusiastic sex participation?"

"But I notice you're having sex without me." Vanessa sounded more curious than annoyed. "This is what, a test-drive? A free sample?"

"Cable said you reminded him of his wife and I panicked," said Wade. Cable stilled for a second, probably annoyed that Wade was spreading his shitty excuses around. "Also I was already hard because I'd been watching our target have sex with a giant balloon, also also I was thinking maybe I could get him addicted to my dick? And then persuade him to have a threesome to get his fix of Little Wade."

Cable snorted, which felt _amazing_. Vanessa also snorted, which made Wade's heart melt. See, this was why a threesome was such a great idea.

"I'm in on the concept of a threesome," said Vanessa. "Not sure about the execution so far, but keep me updated. I have to go work, love you, bye."

"Love you, bye!" Wade almost dropped his phone as Cable bobbed his head.

It wasn't the most skillful blowjob Wade had ever had. It wasn't the fun kind of sloppy that you got with some newbies either. What made it so good was that Cable was so focused on making it good, from his hands kneading Wade's ass, to his eyes looking up through his lashes at Wade's face, his robot eye glinting as he watched Wade like a predator, like some kind of come-drinking lion, _fuck_ — 

Wade did come all over Cable's face. Cable swore and wiped at his eyes and probably Wade would have been in trouble except right then was when the target's security team finally figured out where they were.

\---

"No," said Cable, when pretty much everyone was dead and they were sitting in the target's penthouse.

" _Come on_ ," said Wade, who had been braindead for a hot second but was totally better now.

"No," said Cable, even as he wiped the blood off his face with _Wade's_ handy baby wipes.

"You can't just avoid women for the rest of your life," said Wade. "You have to understand why that's weird and gross, right? Brooding misogyny is completely last century."

"I told you to stop—"

"Just once?" asked Wade. "For me?"

Cable tossed the used baby wipes out of the broken bay windows and right into a trash can on the sidewalk thirty floors below them. "I sucked you off because I didn't want to talk about this anymore."

"Wow, okay, that hurts," said Wade, who had never ever avoided anything using sex in his very adult and mature life. "I'll just call Vanessa and interrupt her at _work_ and tell her that there aren't going to be _any_ fun sex happy times— "

Cable took the phone out of Wade's hand. "Hi, Vanessa? Can you tell your fiancée that badgering for consent isn't the same as _asking_ for consent?"

Wade made a leap for the phone. Cable punched him in the face with his free (metal) hand. Wade lost about thirty-five seconds to the intense pain of rebuilding a pancaked nose, and when he resurfaced Cable was looking kind of startled. Stunned? Uncomfortably aroused.

"Ghk," said Cable into the phone. "Hn. No. I mean, yes. You can keep talking."

Yeah, definitely uncomfortable. Wade had broken his toes a couple times on Cable's cup, that thing was implacably solid and not good for growing boys. It was just a nice friendly thing to open up Cable's flies and pull out the cup to give him space, and then since Wade was down there anyway he peeled the mask up and— 

Cable's free (metal!) hand landed on Wade's head. Wade looked up, ready to get pulled away and whine about it, but Cable wasn't really looking at him. Only looking in Wade's general direction, with his flesh-person eye glazed and his robot-person eye flaring.

"Yeah," said Cable. "Yeah, he's already sticking his hands in my underwear. Uh-huh. Fuck. Okay."

"What?" asked Wade.

"Vanessa says you should suck me off." Cable winced at a squawk from the phone, and corrected himself. "Vanessa says you should fill your smart little mouth with my cock until I come, and once I can move again you should take me home. She'll be off work at four."

Wade checked the Hello Kitty watch hooked to his belt. "Cool. Cool. I'm on it."

Cable's dick was about as nice as every other dick Wade had ever seen, except part of it was metal (metal!!). Wade flicked his tongue up the shaft, then put as much of it in his mouth as he could without choking, which (see above) was a lot. Cable groaned and his hand curled, cupping Wade's head and pushing him just a tiny bit further closer to Cable's taut stomach.

"Yeah, it's, it's good," said Cable. "Yeah. Thanks, Vanessa. Bye."

"See?" said Wade. "I bet your wife never got you any sweet superhero threesomes." But the words were totally garbled by Cable's dick, which was probably for the best.

\---

Apparently what had gotten Cable from zero to a hundred in practically no time was just the idea of being naked in their bed, flat on his back, his arms stretched back as he gripped the edge of the mattress. Wade's fingers in his ass, and Vanessa leaning over him, tracing the thick swathes of metal running down his left side.

Wade really wished they had a headboard to handcuff Cable to. Another golden opportunity lost to hipster Manhattan aesthetic.

Vanessa's fingers drifted over Cable's hip. "Wade," she whispered. "Part of his dick is _metal_."

"It feels really good in your mouth." Wade curled his fingers, and Cable jerked. "Like sucking on a quarter. Starts out cool, warms up fast, has that nice smooth taste—"

"Do you actually suck quarters?" Vanessa wrapped her hand around Cable's dick, and this time Cable held himself still, the muscles in his arms and shoulders cording with the tension. God, getting Cable shirtless was Vanessa's greatest achievement, worthy of the Nobel Peace Prize. Wade was going to kidnap the Peace Prize committee and convince them. It would be easy. He'd use a PowerPoint presentation, and a gun.

"Everybody sucks quarters," said Wade.

Vanessa hummed, slowly stroking her thumb over the little seam of metal on Cable's cock.

"If the government didn't want us to suck quarters, they wouldn't have coated all of the money in a thin film of cocaine," said Wade.

"Pretty sure only paper money has cocaine on it," said Vanessa. "Have you ever tried to snort cocaine with a quarter?"

"No, I told you, the quarters go in my _mouth_." Wade couldn't look away from Vanessa's hand on Cable, the way his dick twitched every time she shifted her grip. "And that should go in your pussy."

Cable's body stiffened, and not in a good way. Wade froze, nervous of hurting Cable's suddenly tight asshole. Vanessa didn't let Cable's dick go, but her hand stilled and relaxed.

"Why don't we stick with what I told you over the phone," she told Cable. "Wade's going to get his cock in you, and I'm going to climb up on your face, and we'll fuck you until your tongue is numb. Okay?"

Wade leaned, trying to see Cable's face. He looked... torn. Like he wanted something even though it hurt to get it. Shit. That was not a fun sex happy times face. That was a stop and talk about it face if Wade had ever seen one.

"I just," said Cable, and then one hand came down to cover his face. "It just reminds me— "

"You don't have to explain." Vanessa sounded calm and even and, yeah, a little kind. Like she'd sounded in the doctor's office, when Wade hadn't even wanted to ask about chemo.

"You said I wouldn't have to think," said Cable.

"You won't," said Vanessa. "I promise. All we need is a yes or no."

"Yes," said Cable, hoarsely. "Yeah. Please."

So that was either really worrying or really hot or, wow, guess what, life's complicated and things can be two things at once. Wade tried to be gentle with Cable as he coaxed his asshole loose again, but then Cable moved his hand back up to grip the edge of the mattress and Vanessa swung her leg over Cable's face, and Wade literally couldn't get his dick into Cable fast enough. He was glad he'd already thought to put the condom on. He would have definitely fumbled that if he were trying to do it while also watching Vanessa's plush ass shift as she got comfortable, the curve of her back as Cable got his tongue in her— 

Cable felt _so good_ inside, fuck. Wade lost himself for a few minutes, just slowly fucking his way deeper, a little further in on every thrust. Cable felt like a glove, like a—No, that was wrong. Gloves had fingers, unless they were mittens, and even mittens had a thumb hole. Cable felt like a sock. One of those thick tube socks, tight and warm and made of meat. A tight, warm meat sock. Ohh, Wade hoped he wasn't saying any of this out loud.

Vanessa was already gasping her way to her first orgasm—she always went off fast, but this might be a new record. Wade whimpered as he imagined what Cable must look like, his mouth sticky with Vanessa's slick. Wade wasn't going to last more than five minutes. Vanessa had told Cable that they'd fuck him until Cable's tongue went numb. Cable was relying on them. Wade was going to die.

Vanessa stopped moving, half rising on her knees. "Cable, are you okay? Tap my leg if you need a break."

Wade stopped moving too, guiltily glad for a second to catch his breath and give his balls a sharp pinch. Cable didn't do anything, just lay there with his hands holding the edge of the mattress.

Vanessa slowly lowered herself back onto Cable's mouth. She shuddered as Cable leaned up, just a little, just enough to reach her. "Mm. That's good. I love that. Tap my leg anytime you need to."

Wade held himself back another second, but Cable didn't move. Just lay there and let them have him. Cable didn't want to think, hadn't he said? Cable probably didn't want Wade to just kneel on the bed using his ass as a cock-warmer either.

Cable's stomach flexed as Wade resumed the fucking. Wade stroked one hand over it, and then found himself groping Cable's abs, watching Cable's six-pack shift in definition as Wade pushed in or pulled back. Was it six? It looked like more than six. Did Cable have a literal eight-pack? Were some of his abs metal? Cable's stomach flexed again as Wade tried to count, distracting himself from his tightening balls.

"You're so good." Vanessa curled over Cable's head. "So good. I'm so glad you're here. So, oh—"

Wade counted abs until he forgot what numbers meant, his hips moving to the rhythm of Vanessa's grind against Cable's face.

\---

"I'm getting a washcloth," said Vanessa afterward. "And the ice cream."

"Guh," said Wade, who had made it all the way to twenty minutes and felt like he'd run a marathon with a vibrator up his ass

"Hn," said Cable, who was so coated in Vanessa's come that he probably couldn't unstick his lips to talk.

"Maybe you were right about Vanessa," muttered Wade as Vanessa pushed through the curtain. "She's being really nice to you. Really very nice. She's only this nice to me when we do a tough scene and I start to drop after. But not for stuff like—"

Wade peered at Cable's face again. His whole face was as wet as you'd expect when Vanessa had come three and a half times, but his fleshling eye was also red-rimmed and there were some streaks in the general wetness, and—

"Were you _crying_?" asked Wade. "Was this a scene? Vanessa, was this a _scene_?"

"I always cry when I have sex," growled Cable.

"How do you still sound tough when you say things like that?" asked Wade. "Is there no toxic masculinity in the future? Did my generation kill that along with the polar bears?"

"Your generation couldn't kill anything except the economy." Cable scoffed, but it sounded a little weak. "Please. How could you even begin to dismantle toxic masculinity? With your gender reveal parties, and your bathroom policing, and—What are you doing?"

"You're shivering." Wade tucked the blanket around Cable's shoulders.

Cable snuggled into the blanket, face tight with annoyance. "The polar bears aren't dead in the future either. Just irradiated."

"Do they have tentacles?" asked Wade.

Cable didn't say anything, just fumed like the angry heap of blankets he was.

"Ice cream." Vanessa brandished the Chunky Monkey and two spoons as she walked back into their 'bedroom.' For a heart-stopping moment Wade thought he was being punished for pressuring Cable into a threesome and making him sex-cry, but Vanessa handed him a spoon before prying open the lid.

"I thought you were getting a washcloth," said Cable.

"I decided this was more urgent." Vanessa carved a huge wedge of ice cream out of the tub and held the spoon to Cable's mouth. "Open."

Cable glared at the ice cream.

"Come on," said Wade. "It'll melt and get the bed all sticky."

"Your bed is already sticky," said Cable, and then clamped his mouth shut again like he expected Vanessa to take advantage. But she just waited, patient, until Cable begrudgingly leaned forward and sucked the ice cream off the spoon.

Wade could feel something releasing inside of his chest. Could be gas. Could be the hope that he hadn't fucked this up after all.

Vanessa ate about a fifth of the ice cream in one bite, and then held another overflowing spoonful out for Cable. "You looked like you needed that."

"I don't need ice cream," said Cable, and ate it anyway.

"I didn't mean just the ice cream." 

Wade stealthily scooted closer, spoon prepared to strike. He froze when Vanessa glanced back at him.

"Wade always wants to have happy fun giggly sex," she said. "He doesn't like to think about the serious stuff. But sometimes you just need to let it all go, right? Cry without thinking about it, while someone takes care of you."

Vanessa took another bite of the ice cream, and then tilted it to Cable. He shook his head, and she handed the carton to Wade.

"Was this therapy?" asked Wade, around a spoonful of his icy prize. "Was I fucking the pain away? I feel used."

Vanessa kissed him right in the ear, which was disgusting. Wade's dick twitched.

Cable watched, and his face relaxed, just a little. Just enough that Wade felt like they might have done a good thing.

"You remind me of—" began Cable.

"No," said Wade. "No, don't start that again—"

"—Of when we were trying to get pregnant," said Cable. "That's what I meant, earlier. When we were trying for my daughter. For Hope." His fleshy eye glistened, and he cleared his throat. "It's good."

" _Oh_ ," said Wade, and hugged Cable so tightly that he thought he would burst. He, Wade, from the effort of trying to reach his arms around Cable's broad shoulders. "It's not good, is it."

“It is. It’s—it’s fine. I’m being ridiculous.” Cable's hands were trapped against Wade's torso, but he wasn't pulling away. “They’re okay. They’re alive. They’re just not here.”

“There, there.” Wade patted Cable’s back as the blanket slipped down a little, revealing bare skin and metal. “Do you need to have sex again?”

“Wade,” hissed Vanessa.

“Because apparently my dick has magical healing properties,” said Wade.

“Wade!”

“That’s what I’ve learned from this experience,” insisted Wade, ignoring Vanessa’s attempts to puncture his kidney, or whatever she thought she was doing with her elbows and his back. “Sex fixes everything.”

“ _Sometimes_ sex _can_ be a release,” said Vanessa. “See, this is what separates professionals from the wannabees.”

Cable snuffle-laughed into Wade’s shoulder. "I'll get an apartment. I can get money. And your couch is fucking up my back."

"But you should visit," said Vanessa.

"And sleep over," said Wade.

"I guarantee no procreative sex while you're around," said Vanessa. "Sometimes even good things can be too much. And Wade is kind of loud."

Cable shuddered and made a small noise.

"Are you crying again?" asked Wade.

"The ice cream is melting on my _neck_ ," said Cable. 

Vanessa made Wade get the washcloth to clean up the mess, which was completely unfair because she was the one who'd skipped the washcloth in the first place.

\---

Even short sappy films deserve a post-credits sequence.

"It's a virus," said Cable. "But it's controlled now. Not contagious."

"I feel kind of bad for finding it hot," said Wade, still running his fingers over Cable's metal pec.

"Seriously?" said Vanessa.

"He's dying!" said Wade.

"I'm not dying," said Cable.

"You know I love you and your scars," said Vanessa.

"This isn't about me, this is about Cable slowly turning into a robot."

"Everything is always about you and the cancer," said Vanessa. "Which we don't have to talk about now, baby, but—"

"I'm not turning into a robot," said Cable.

"Look, I'm fine," said Wade. "I'm now _immune_ to dying, and I guess one of the ways the past sucks is that I get the weird lumpy skin condition instead of the cool titanium skin condition."

"It's techno-organic, not titanium," said Cable.

"I'm going to kiss your dick," said Vanessa. "I'm going to kiss your weird lumpy dick until you believe you're beautiful."

"Wow, Ms Sex Therapist, is that a direct quote from Freud or did you just make that _ahhh_ —"

\---

What the hell. One more.

Fun fact, apparently Cable _did_ sex cry regularly, although usually it was more watery eyes and less full-blown sobbing. After the fourth or fifth orgasm, Wade wasn't really inclined to care. Especially when his ass was pleasantly aching from Cable pounding it.

"Oh, Cable Robotdick Futureman, where have you been all my life?" asked Wade.

"The future," said Cable. "Also, that's clearly not my name."

"Did your parents name you Cable?" asked Vanessa. "Or is Cable your stripper name?"

"They named me Nathan," said Cable. "But don't call me that."

"I should hope not!" Wade shook his fist in the general direction of Cable's parents. "Nathan. _Nathan_. What kind of cool anti-hero name is Nathan?"

"I'm not an anti-hero," said Cable, which was a strong assertion for someone who had come from the future to preemptively murder a kid.

"I don't know," said Vanessa. "I kind of like the name Nathan."

Wade gasped.

"No," said Cable.

"I don't just remind you of your mother," said Wade, "I _am_ your mother!"

"Stop making this weird," said Cable.

"If you didn't want weird you should have told Wade no." Vanessa thought about it. "You should have told both of us no."

"I know who my parents are," said Cable. "You're definitely not my parents."

Wade ignored Cable's obvious lies. "This is just like Star Wars!"

"I haven't seen Star Wars." Cable frowned. "I thought—Does someone fuck their parents in Star Wars?"

"No," said Vanessa.

"Practically!" said Wade.

Cable looked at Vanessa, appealing to her for the voice of reason. The fool. "Promise me you won't name the kid Nathan."

"Obviously," said Wade. "How could we name our child after some heathen who hasn't seen Star Wars?"

"Yeah, I'm with Wade on this one," said Vanessa.

"In the future the planet is in ruins," said Cable. "I didn't have time to watch fifteen movies."

"Fifteen?" said Vanessa. "Is that an exaggeration, or— _fifteen_?

"Fifteen main movies or including all the spin-offs too?" asked Wade. "Holiday specials?"

"I didn't watch any of these movies," said Cable. "I don't know."

"You're useless to us," said Vanessa. "We demand pop culture trivia!"

"I'm putting my pants back on," said Cable, but he didn't fight when Vanessa pulled him back into bed.

\---

Last one. Really. I promise. Last one.

"Anyway," said Cable, "my stripper name was Sex-Man."

**Author's Note:**

> If you like this fic (and have a tumblr), consider a [reblog](http://neveralarch.tumblr.com/post/174704166634/just-as-thick-as-my-skin-neveralarch-deadpool)?


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